Finding Karma Read online

  My eyes open instantly and I say, “Braden! Condom!”

  He instantly stills and yanks me off of him. “Shit, Karma, I’m so sorry.” He jumps off the bed and unzips his bag, grabbing the condoms from inside. He rips one open, rolling it on in record time, and he’s back inside me again like nothing happened. The fullness is overwhelming from this angle, and I feel a delicious sensation building up as he pumps into me in a slow, steady rhythm.

  My fingers dig into his shoulders as he continues to move in and out. In one quick movement, I’m on my back and our eyes are locked as he pushes harder into me. “You feel like heaven to me…this has got to be fucking heaven.” My eyes roll into the back of my head when he reaches between us and rubs my sweet spot, sending me over a cliff of total bliss.

  I’m so spent that I’m not quite myself when he tenses up and releases himself, collapsing on me with his head face down in the pillow. His breathing finally reaches a reasonable tempo, and he turns his head to the side, kissing my cheek and ear. “That was amazing,” I tell him, still breathless myself. Last night was so emotional, but tonight was more about the physical, even though I still feel bonded to him in every way.

  He rolls off of me and I hate the feeling of him not being inside of me any longer. Tugging off his condom, he tosses it in the trash can then pulls me into him so we are facing each other. “I promised you better.”

  “You certainly delivered.” He kisses me gently, tugging at my bottom lip, pleased with my comment. Then I add, “But I wouldn’t have changed anything about last night…it was so us.”

  He gives me a funny look and then smiles at me. “That’s a great word, isn’t it? Us. No variations – no singular, no past tense – just two letters making up such a huge word.” I’m wondering if he lost oxygen to his brain during our lovemaking to be going on about the word us, but it’s also sweet. My strong, athletic, macho guy has a sweet, funny side to him. I wonder if his guy friends ever see that part of him.

  Placing my hand on the side of his face, I gaze into his smiling eyes and tell him, “I love you so much – sometimes I still can’t believe you moved back here and found me.”

  He kisses my nose and says, “It was just meant to be…fate, if you will.” I can tell that he’s thinking about something before he speaks again. “It’s weird, ya know? How much fate and karma are intertwined, but their actual meanings are kind of opposite…kind of like you and me.”

  I think about this. Braden and I are opposite in a lot of ways but a lot of opposites attract – it’s so much easier to meet in the middle. I giggle when I tell him, “Maybe your parents should have named you Fate, then we’d have a story to tell.”

  He huffs out a laugh. “I would’ve got the shit kicked out of me with a name like that. You? You pull yours off amazingly.”

  A yawn escapes me and Braden pulls me in tighter. “Get some sleep. You’re going to need it because I’m quite certain we aren’t finished for the night.” I can see his smirk in the dark, and even though I’m tired, his insinuation has awakened my desire at the mere mention.

  I wish tonight could last forever.

  chapter thirteen

  May 2013

  After seeing Lee for a couple of weeks now, I must admit that I’m quite smitten. We’ve been out several times, each time becoming harder and harder not to invite him in. Or to accept the invitation when he suggests we go back to his place. I’m just not quite there yet. Well, my body is. My mind just hasn’t caught up.

  I’ve been doing a little research on the web, sending my resume to potential studios and marketing agencies like LARU, hoping to get some more work lined up.

  While I’m on the computer, I check my email, noticing that Braden has sent one. That’s strange. He usually calls about the Spectra job. I click it open and read it. Sure enough, it’s regarding the third photo shoot for Spectra. Good thing I checked my email or I could have been in a world of hurt. Why didn’t he just call?

  I think about the last time I saw him, turning him down to go through my edits. Did he figure out I had a date? Did it bother him?

  The thought brings back a memory, flooding my mind with a Braden I wasn’t used to seeing. Dejected. Down. Deflated.

  It still guts me every time I think about it though – even though he didn’t deserve my sympathy.

  I had been home from college during Thanksgiving break. Entering my favorite coffee shop, the jingle of a bell announced my entrance. The bitter, yet invitingly warm smell of coffee filled my senses as I made my way to the counter to place my order. There were three people ahead of me, and I waited patiently as I watched the barista prepare the different orders.

  After a few minutes, I placed my order, my taste buds aching for the rich, creamy goodness. After paying, I took my latte and turned to find a table. My eyes roamed around the shop and landed on a pair so hauntingly familiar, and I froze in my spot. His lips turned up in a shy smile, and I noticed a pair of crutches propped up against the chair to his right.

  My feet wouldn’t move and I didn’t know what to do. We didn’t break contact with our eyes until he finally made the first move by leaning to his left and scooting the chair out as an invitation for me to sit.

  Slowly releasing the breath I had been holding, I walked to his table and said, “I didn’t see you when I walked in here.” I still hadn’t sat down yet, not knowing if I should. I wanted to hate him. I carried around the feeling of my heart crushing into a million pieces but I knew that’s only a sliver of the pain he possessed knowing his passion in life had been stripped away.

  “That’s because I wasn’t – I saw you enter from across the street and hobbled on over.” He tried making light of his joke but I could see it pained him to mention it.

  My eyes traveled to his crutches and, not knowing what else to do, I played dumb. “What happened, Braden?” I didn’t want him to know I already knew, thanks to Stella’s phone call. Maybe I should have contacted him. This way I had an out. Shitty of me, I knew.

  He smiled at me but it didn’t reach his eyes. All I could detect in those clear, gray eyes were sadness and regret. “What’s the saying? You know the one – when you shit all over people and then bad things happen to you. Oh, yeah…karma’s a bitch. How fitting is that?”

  “That’s not funny, Braden,” I said in a hushed tone.

  His eyes didn’t leave mine. “I wasn’t calling you a bitch…that wasn’t what I meant,” he said.

  “I know,” I told him. “But whatever it was, I’m sure you didn’t deserve it.” I glanced over at his crutches again. “Are you going to tell me what happened?”

  He motioned to the chair with his head and said, “Have a seat and I’ll fill you in.” Then he looked a little panicked, adding, “Do you have time?”

  Part of me wanted to walk away – just like he did. But the other part of me had softened a little and I said, “Yes, of course.” I lowered myself into the chair, placing my purse off to the side of the table.

  I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe the first thing I did, I ran into him. What was the universe trying to tell me?

  He cleared his throat and said, “It’s good to see you – God, it’s been forever.”

  Wasn’t by my choice, buddy.

  “Yes, it has.” I said, curtly. I blew on my latte and took a sip, the sweet goodness burning my tongue. He hadn’t said anything about his accident still, causing my eyes to flick to his crutches again.

  “Yes – the accident. I was playing in a championship game and had a huge collision with a defender. Broke my leg with the bone piercing the skin – looked really nasty. Ended up being a compound fracture of the tibia and fibula – in short, I’m done playing soccer.” He sounded completely deflated as he relayed the tragic news. I felt bad for him but it didn’t lessen the resentment I harbored that I wished would go away – it wasn’t healthy.

  “I’m sorry, Braden. I can only imagine how horrible this has to be on you, knowing how much you love the g
ame.”

  He said nothing and picked up the coffee stirrer lying on the table, twirling it between his fingers. “I’m the one that should be apologizing to you, Karma.” He spoke so softly I caught myself straining just to hear him. He lifted his eyes to meet mine, and I was right – they were filled with regret. I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing.

  “You ever wish you could have a do-over in life?” My heart almost stopped beating – where was he going with this? “Well…” he made a sad attempt at a half-hearted laugh, “I do every single day.”

  Was he talking about his injury? Or us?

  His eyes searched mine – what he was looking for, I wasn’t sure. “Are you happy, Karma?”

  Catching me a little off guard, I said, “Yes – I guess so.” He nodded, looking down at the coffee stirrer he had now tied into a knot.

  He hesitated before he said, “I heard you and Jeremy are together.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I wondered who started that rumor.

  “That’s not true, Braden…Jeremy and I are just great friends.”

  I saw a half-smile appear on his face and he said, “I wondered.”

  Trying to lighten the mood a little, I nudged him and said, “What about you? I bet you’ve left a trail of broken hearts all across campus.” I inwardly cringed at my own words and at the false playfulness that went with them.

  When he looked at me, there was no playfulness in his eyes, false or not. “We aren’t going to do this…I don’t want to know who you’ve been with and I don’t want to talk about my past mistakes.”

  Mistakes? Not just mistake…but with an ‘s’ – as in plural? Why on earth did I open my big mouth?

  “I was just kidding, Braden,” I said, the atmosphere now even more uncomfortable. My words hung in the air with all the rest of the slight tension swirling around us.

  The lady at the table next to us dropped her spoon on the floor, causing me to jump. Braden didn’t even flinch at the unwelcome intrusion, he was so lost in thought that she’d already been up to fetch another one and had sat back down before he spoke again.

  “I’ve thought about calling you a million times…”

  I couldn’t help but smile. I went for a tease. “Well…you did…once.” Braden had left a message on my phone a few months after we broke up. Well, it hadn’t really been a message – just my name. Spoken in such a sad manner.

  He shot me a look and I knew he knew what I was talking about. “Yeah…sorry about that. I was drunk.” He looked a little embarrassed, and I didn’t care if that made him uncomfortable. “That was the anniversary of Daniel’s death. It fucks with me every single year.”

  Shit! My hand automatically grabbed his and I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t take the call – I didn’t make the connection.” He looked down at my hand covering his, and I knew we both felt a familiar spark. I physically felt tingles and his eyes told me he felt something. I withdrew my hand – a little too quickly maybe – and I saw his shoulders slump just a little.

  “I had no right to call you anyway. It was just a bad night.”

  Now that my latte had cooled probably more than I wanted, I took a few drinks. When I sat my mug back down, I looked up to find him staring at me.

  “Will you ever forgive me for being such an ass?”

  My lips turned up just a tad and I told him, “Honestly? I’m still working on it…”

  Nodding just once, he said, “Yeah…I guess I deserve that. I said some pretty hurtful things…things I wish I could take back.”

  “Well, you can’t so…” I stopped, not knowing what to say. If he was looking for someone to ease his conscience, he’d have to look elsewhere.

  He checked the time on his phone and said, “I probably better be heading home…my parents are expecting me for dinner.”

  My heart sank. As much as I still harbored hurt feelings, I have to admit he still affected me.

  Pasting on a fake smile, I said, “Yeah, me, too.” I pushed back my unfinished latte – it had lost its appeal a while back, unable to compete with the attentions from my past. Standing up, I watched him balance himself on one leg as he reached for his crutches.

  “Come on,” he said, “I’ll walk you to your car.”

  Grabbing my purse, I walked ahead and held the door for him and he mumbled, “Thanks” as he exited the coffee shop. He turned and asked, “Where are you parked?”

  I motioned with my head and he started off in that direction as I walked beside him. Leave it to Braden to look graceful even on crutches – I could tell he’d been on them awhile.

  He stopped when he saw my car. I froze, not knowing what to do. He stood in front of me, leaning his crutches against my car. Placing his hands on my hips, he pulled me in for a hug, once again, balancing on his good leg.

  My arms encircled his waist and he held me tight, his cheek pressed against my hair. We stayed this way for a long time and the rest of the world seemed to float away. This was a dangerous place for me to be – his arms around me were like the most natural thing in the world. It would be so easy –

  “I just need to know you don’t hate me, Karma. I couldn’t stand it if you did.”

  My cheek was pressed flat against his chest, and I could feel his heart rate accelerate the longer we stood there. “I could never hate you, Braden,” I said into his shirt. “I just don’t like you sometimes.”

  He kissed the side of my head and said, “I can work with that.”

  If only we could go back. If only he would have understood and tried to make our relationship work. I would have given anything for this to have worked out. Now I only got this brief conversation with him and my emotions were all over the place.

  His familiar scent.

  His familiar hold.

  His familiar voice.

  His familiar beauty.

  Then I became angry with myself for thinking such things. He walked out on me. He broke my heart in two and stomped on it for months. He was the biggest asshole for not even trying.

  “Karma…” His voice was strained and full of regret and it caused my stomach to twist into a thousand knots.

  I pulled back before it turned into something it shouldn’t. Neither one of us was in a good place. He was coming off of an earth-shattering injury, and it was the first time we’d talked since the breakup, which was almost a year and a half ago. It’s still too raw and too easy to fall back into old habits. Yes, even after all this time.

  His eyes flicked to my mouth and, as much as I would love to feel his firm but soft lips on mine once again, I knew I couldn’t let it happen. It would ruin me.

  “It was great seeing you, Braden.”

  He loosened his hold and took a small hop back, reaching for his crutches. I grabbed one while he took the other.

  He stood there searching my eyes.

  Please don’t ask to see me again. I’m not strong enough yet. Please don’t.

  And as if he could read my mind, he turned his body to leave and said, “Take care of yourself, Karma.”

  I watched him cross the street with swift agility, never looking back. I got in my car and tried to contain my tears until I saw him pull out and drive away, once again taking a piece of my heart.

  The heart he once owned.

  Still owned.

  He just didn’t know it.

  Sighing now, I realize we are always going to be connected – tied with a rope that wraps the past around us like an anchor, forced to relive memories that I thought had been buried. But seeing him and working together strips away the layers of protection that I unconsciously put in place a long time ago, causing me to feel raw at times.

  Why should I care if he doesn’t like the idea of me seeing someone?

  I shouldn’t. End of story.

  Needing a distraction, I go back to researching the location of the next photo shoot. Braden actually sent an attachment with photos. Um…okay. It’s an old derelict building with half of the roof missing.

  Well, thi
s could be interesting. I can almost picture it in my head, excitement building as my mind puts together the frames. Now I know why Braden is so successful at his job – this location is pure genius.

  The shoot is in two days – the same day that Lee gets home from a quick business trip to New York. We have plans for dinner that night so hopefully the shoot doesn’t run over. I really don’t want to cancel on Lee – I actually miss him.

  The next couple of days pass quickly, especially since I got a last-minute job when another photographer bowed out of an assignment. See, Karma, it pays to advertise yourself. The downside was that it was a couple of hours away. The flipside was that it paid handsomely, especially since I swooped in and saved the day. So, yeah, it’s been a great couple of days.

  But I can hardly contain my excitement as I drive myself to the abandoned building that Braden picked out. As I pull into the side lot, I leave my equipment in the car so I can walk around and get a feel for the backdrop.

  The crew is already here so I stay out of their way as I take in the sight. Looking up, the sun streams in through the partially fallen-in roof, the rubble laying beneath. This looks like a lawsuit waiting to happen. But I get it – I totally get it. I bet waivers were handed out in droves.

  Not only is there rubble everywhere but also layers of dead leaves, brown and decayed, clinging to the edges of the building, unable to escape even on the windiest of days. Every inch of this place has been laid bare to the exposed elements, proving to be the edge that Braden must have been looking for. Turning back towards my car to retrieve my camera and things, I plow into Braden’s chest.

  “Whoa. Where’s the fire?” he says, chuckling.

  “Sorry, Braden. This place has me mesmerized.” My eyes roam the building again before returning to Braden’s. The look he gives me almost knocks me to my knees – one I’ve witnessed hundreds of times. One that tells me he never got over me.